Chapter 21: Defacto Placto Misleed Wigs
Jackson’s eyes adjusted as he stood up and out of the chest. Tarza was there, out of breath and not looking happy. The merchant was sitting on the ground, looking significantly less happy than Tarza, wrapped in the strongest rope ever made, with Dusty and Plod on either side.
“You cannot leave my side here, Jackson,” glared Tarza. “Bandango Fazaar is a dangerous place!”
“So I’ve learned,” Jackson said placing the Phonus down.
“Careful with that!” yelled the merchant.
Dusty and Plod beeped something to each other imperceptibly.
“How did you find me?” asked Jackson.
“I nearly didn’t,” she admitted. “We searched every row that we’d gone past, until I noticed a bit of a commotion. Even in the Bandango, indoor storms are rare.”
“I see,” he said. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome, Jackson. Now do me a favor and don’t scare me like that again.”
“I don’t intend to. I won’t leave your side this time,” said Jackson sincerely.
She whipped her head around at the merchant. “As for you, Rozzwell, I don’t imagine you’ve learned your lesson…”
He turned his nose up to the side. “Never!”
“... BUT, I do expect that you’ll think twice before messing with a friend of mine again.”
“I didn’t know he was a friend of yours!” pleaded Rozzwell. “It’s all just a big misunderstanding! Let me loose and I’d be happy to give you some parting gifts. Something special to make sure there are no hard feelings…”
Tarza laughed and leaned against a table. “Right. Let me guess. You’ll offer us a set of bracelets that transform into handcuffs at your command. Or maybe a fizzy drink that places a tracker in our bellies?”
Rozzwell shook his head. “I would never!”
“You’ve literally done both of those things to me,” Tarza said coldy.
“Oh. Well I would never do it twice!” he said.
“You’ve literally done—”
“I won’t do it now!” he shouted. “And besides…” he said with a smirk. “I’m not the only one who’s seen his face, you know. Word has gotten round that he’s at the Bandango. I’m sure even now there are others searching. You’ll never get out of here without my help. And I’d be happy to assist… for a fee of course.”
“Of course,” said Tarza with a smile. “But I don’t think we’ll be needing any of that.”
“Oh no?” said Rozzwell cockily.
“No. I’ve already paid for our spaceship, we just need to make our way to it. And I’m sure you have some kind of a disguise system in here. A potion perhaps?”
Rozzwell’s looked away. “I might. But I’ll never tell you where. I’ve got hundreds of knick-knacks in here. Thousands even! And even if your ROBs analyzed them one by one, it would take you hours to get through them all. Hours you don’t have, do you?”
Tarza’s face contorted. “If you don’t tell us where it is, we’re not letting you out of those ropes. How about that?!”
Rozwell slouched down and eased his posture. “Fine by me. I’ve got all the time in the world.”
“Well then I’ll just have to start picking things up and seeing what happens!” said Tarza. “Like this!”
Tarza grabbed a purple glistening orb off a floating shelf and held it up.
“Pfft, fine by me. But I wouldn’t drop that unless you want everyone on the planet to lose their sense of taste.”
“Why would something like that even exist!!” shouted Tarza. She started to look for more things to grab when Jackson, who had been quiet throughout their entire interaction, processing everything that had happened and everything that had been said, had an idea. In a breathtaking display of unoriginality, it just so happened to be the exact same as the last idea he had come up with.
“Wait!” shouted Jackson, causing Tarza to let go of a particularly fragile lamp with rotating spikes on the side. “I know how to find it!”
“You do?” said Tarza, Rozzwell, Dusty and Plod in unison (the first and last time this particular group would ever say something in unison).
Startled by the attention, Jackson stumbled. “I think… maybe… I mean, I’m not sure, but it could work. Potentially. Although…”
Rozzwell shook his head.
“Started off so strong,” whispered Tarza. “What’s the plan?” she asked.
“Simple,” said Jackson. “Make a call.” He held up the Phonus again.
“What is that?” she asked.
“It’s a Phonus. It will call the one person you need to talk to the most right now.”
“And who do you think it will call?”
“I’m not sure, but I bet it’ll be someone who can help,” he answered.
“You have no idea who it will call!” said Rozzwell. “Did it even help you stop me? Doesn’t seem like it called Tarza for you, now did it? You just got lucky that she saved you. It’s fickle, that Phonus. Best to just let me go.”
“I do think it helped me. I’m not sure just how yet, but I think it did. And somehow I think it knew that I just needed to bide my time until they came to rescue me.”
Rozzwell scoffed.
“Just try it,” said Jackson to Tarza. “What do you have to lose?”
Tarza sighed. She took a moment. Then picked up the receiver.
Nothing.
“You have to say ‘hello’,” mouthed Jackson.
“Oh,” said Tarza. “Um, hello?”
“Defacto Placto Misleed Wigs, please hold,” said the voice on the other end.
“Huh,” said Tarza.
“What’d they say?” whispered Jackson.
“They put me on hold.”
“Just hang up!” shouted Rozzwell. Dusty extended a mechanical arm and stuffed his mouth with an orange sponge.
“Defacto Placto Misleed Wigs, please hold,” said the voice again.
“I am holding,” said Tarza, surprised.
“Excuse me, who’s that talking? Which line are you on? Defacto Placto Misleed Wigs, please hold,” said the voice.
“I told you, I am holding,” insisted Tarza.
“Not you! Hold please!” Tarza heard some rustling and clicks. Through the other end came a sigh. Then there was a long pause.
“What are they saying?” whispered Jackson.
“Nothing,” said Tarza.
“Who said that??! Who is talking??!” shouted the other end.
“My name is Tarza.”
“The lines are disconnected, how are you talking to me??” Tarza heard more rustling.
“I’m… I’m calling you on a Phonis,” she answered.
“Phhhownuph” struggled Rozzwell.
“Phonus,” corrected Tarza.
“A Phonus?” said the voice. “What’s a Phonus?”
“Well, it’s a contraption that lets you call anyone in the universe,” she answered.
Jackson nodded in encouragement.
“Oh, um, not just anyone though, someone who can help you,” she added.
“Well, you could have just called our main help line if you’re having trouble. I’m always here to help. Which model are you wearing?” asked the voice.
“Wearing? Model of what?” she asked.
“Which wig are you wearing? There should be a number on the underside. You can just read that to me and I’ll be able to get you sorted,” said the voice.
“Oh, um, I’m not wearing a wig. I don’t–”
“Listen, you call me up at work, don’t use the help line, and now you say you don’t even have one of our wigs on? What is this??” asked the voice, clearly frustrated. “Stop wasting my time.”
Tarza moved the Phonus from her face. “It’s a wig shop. Something like Detracto, Facto Wigs.”
Rozzwell’s eyes got large. And Jackson noticed.
“That must be why you called! What do the wigs do?” said Jackson excitedly.
“What, um, exactly, do your wigs, do?” she said back into the Phonus. “Wait, wigs don’t ‘do’ anything other than sit on your head, right?” she whispered to Jackson.
There was another sigh on the other end. “Defacto Placto Misleed Wigs are the best concealer wigs on the market. They’ll completely transform your appearance for the entirety of the time you wear them. They also happen to be extremely popular, and my lines have been ringing nonstop with people who know how to follow rules, so if you’d rather speak with the sales department–”
“No!” interrupted Tarza. “So they give you a disguise?” asked Tarza loudly.
Jackson inched closer. Dusty and Plod looked at each other. Rozzwell shook his head.
“They don’t ‘give you a disguise’, they completely transform your appearance, as I said.”
“And how would you find one?” asked Tarza.
“What do you mean?” said the voice.
“Well let’s just say you’re in a shop, at the Bandango Fazaar, that’s filled with stuff, and you think one of your wigs is in there somewhere, but you don’t know where, and the shop owner won’t tell you, and you need to find it as quickly as possible.”
The line was silent for a moment.
“That’s a very specific scenario,” said the voice.
“I know,” said Tarza.
“Well you’d just have to go looking for it. It’s not like there’s a secret trick to finding them,” said the voice.
“Oh,” said Tarza.
“What?” said the voice.
“I was just kinda hoping there was a secret trick to finding them,” answered Tarza.
The Phonus beeped three times again.
“Call time remaining: Three Minutes,” said the robotic voice.
“Well… I guess I won’t waste anymore of your time,” said Tarza defeated.
Jackson shot her a consoling look.
“I…I am sorry,” said the voice. “I really do like to help.”
“It’s okay. I’m sorry to bother you,” she said.
“If only someone was wearing one, then it’d be easy to find. Oh, well. Sorry again! Bye!” said the voice.
“Wait… what do you mean, if someone was wearing one?” asked Tarza.
“I’m just saying, it would be a lot easier to find if someone was wearing one. Then there is kind of a trick, I guess you could say,” said the voice.
“Really? What is it?” she asked.
“Our wigs don’t come off easily. It’s hard for someone else to even tell where they begin to be honest. But, we do have to have certain… safety protocols. We need to be able to identify and remove them when necessary, of course.”
“And how do you do that?”
“Oh it’s simple, to remove them just tickle the back of the left ear, or furthest ear to the left, and the wig will pop right off. I can’t tell you how many times it’s come in handy. About 20% of my calls are about removal.”
Tarza looked at Rozzwell. He turned his eyes away from her.
“And you mentioned identifying them, as well? How would you know when someone was wearing one?”
“Well, our disguises are foolproof. The best around!” He began to whisper. “But if you insist on asking, there is one telltale way to know if someone’s got one on. We don’t like to advertise it, though.”
“I won’t tell a soul,” whispered back Tarza.
“What you’re gonna want to look for is a little freckle on the underside of their nose. It’s trademarked, if you can believe it.”
Tarza looked at Rozzwell again.
“Thank you. Thank you so much,” she said into the Phonus.
“It’s been my pleasure,” said the voice cheerily. “Is there anything else I can do for you today?”
“No, I have a feeling you told me exactly what I needed to know,” she said.
“So glad to hear it! Thank you for contacting Defacto Placto Misleed Wigs, and best of luck!... But next time call the help line.”
“I will,” said Tarza, as she hung up the Phonus.
“What’s happening?” asked Jackson. “Did you find out what you needed to know?”
She walked over to Rozzwell, removed the sponge, and lifted his face.
“Hey! What gives?!” he shouted.
“I believe I did,” she said with a smile, staring at his nose. “He has a freckle under his nose.”
“So what?! Your friend there has freckles all over! It’s in his name!”
“No, it’s not,” said Tarza firmly.
She reached behind his left ear and started to tickle.
“Hey! Quit it! Quit it!” he giggled. And then, with a “SCHWOOP”, a purple wig popped right off of his head.
In a flash, Rozzwell’s true face was revealed. Not only was it a different size- it was an entirely different shape! His wrinkle-free, long, pale face, and dirty blond hair shocked everyone in the room.
“What can I say?” he said with a snarl. “I may have made some enemies over the years.”